forgive me for my personal musing in public...

but it is monday, and i am feeling oddly upset.

{this is the best sulky musing picture i could find... sorry.}

it is primarily because meggles, the apple of my eye, has left me sisterless (well, blood-related anyways) in texas once again. she is such a delight, and when she leaves there is a gaping hole of emptiness in my soul every time.

i think it also has something to do with my dream saturday morning where i had a baby and had no idea how to take care of it. i felt only an estranged love for the small infant, like it was someone else's. but i kept fumbling around like i knew nothing about how to care for another human being. like motherhood wasn't woven into my very core. and no, i'm not pregnant, so don't even think about it.

and then i have been reading this book. an oprah's book club book, so you know it's gonna rip your heart out. and there is woman who falls in love and has a beautiful life and her husband grows bored and moves on. he keeps telling her that she needs to make things easy on everyone and to have some dignity. really? really? and she does, though. she is dignified.

i don't know how; from me there would be muching wailing and gnashing of teeth, i assure you. there might be name-calling and all sorts of childishness. there would certainly be things thrown across the room. that already occurs (not out of anger, mind you), but sometimes you just get an urge to chuck something, ya know?

in fact, in real life i heard a very similar story recently. from a very kind woman. one day her husband came home and just didn't want to be married to her anymore. i wanted to know right away did she throw something at him or break down and cry. but i didn't ask, of course. but i did cry.

that was the other thing-- this couple eventually got back together. the wife in the book wants nothing more than her husband to just wrap her in his arms and stay with her. and how?

you know, i guess i wouldn't have understood that before i got married. "stand by your man" has never been my moto. more like "if the man is a lying sneak, he doesn't deserve a second chance." but i do understand it better now. love--the real kind-- doesn't just disappear in a flash. you can't erase it like that. it's not just a part of you; it is you.

and so, on this monday (which is already sad merely by virtue of being a monday) has been spent in sad, worrisome pondering. and i have some questions...

do your dreams ever bother you?

what are your monday musings?