perfection, you're an overrated kill-joy

(You are looking at the coolest building in the Med Center. It always reminds me of Reading Rainbow. I am tempted ever time it's lit up to belt out, "Butterfly in the sky! I can go twice as hiiiigh!" This has nothing to do with the post. I just didn't want to come empty-handed. You understand, right?)

Clint's birthday was this past Monday. It was a low-key night of Indian food (only after not being able to find an open Turkish restaurant) and a movie at home (which was sort of a depressing one). I didn't plan anything, because Clint had stayed up really late the night before to finish a project. He received one gift from me which I wrapped in tissue paper and put in a brown paper bag with a homemade card in the shape of a pumpkin taped to the front. Classy, I know.

I regale you with these details not to tell you what a bad wife I am (although I probably should own up to that eventually) nor to insinuate that Clint was disappointed by the lack of fanfare. I tell you because the way I felt that night was a perfect example of one of the things I hate the most about myself.

I expect perfection.

I may not plan perfectly, but gosh dang it I expect the outcome to be perfect. Or close to it. And I expect other people to be excited about the near-perfection they are witnessing. And when it's not perfect or almost-perfect, the result is a feeling of guilt and disappointment.

The ideal me would let these little moment just roll. And maybe there was a time when I was that me. But I'm not anymore, and that makes the guilt and disappointment even worse. It leads to occasions where, instead of enjoying every free minute I have with a very busy medical school husband, I spend that time paranoid about what I'm doing wrong. Is he enjoying himself? Am I enjoying myself? Does he like that gift? Did I spend too much money? Etc...

I know I'm not alone in this. And I hate that. I hate that many of us feel like this. Maybe in some cases this is due to a spouse, friend, parent, boss, etc, who makes you feel you are inadequate. But I think in most cases (and I know in my own case) this is only due to my own misconceptions. I have trained myself to be this way. I don't mind when others aren't perfect, but when I'm not.... Hello, Guilt!

You know what? I don't want to feel this way anymore.

I'm reclaiming my right to be imperfect and to be perfectly fine with it. So what if I don't know what Halloween costume to wear on the night of the Halloween party? So what if I forgot my camera on our date night? So what if dinner didn't turn out as delicious or as healthy as I anticipated? There is always another chance to improve.


I know there have been and will be moments to be truly disappointed and deservedly guilty in my life, so why would I want to waste any more moments feeling that way when I don't have to.

PERFECTION-- I LAUGH IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION.

Happy almost-Fridee (as they say in Spanish Fork, UT)!