killed a man, almost

I possibly killed a man today.

So, I'm watching my boss hand his client a box of papers. The box had obviously come from the client's home, because it had dog hair all over it. And I'm pretty sure we don't have a dog in the office. Well, at least we don't most of the time.

I thought it would be polite to pull the largest chunk of dog fuzz off the top of the box, because that's just gross. But I didn't feel hungry after that for about 3 hours, so I kind of regret that decision.

Anyways, the client takes the box and then proceeds to start up another conversation with the boss man--who is very hungry by now, I'm sure, but is still keeping up an appearance of niceness. I don't know how he does that.-- and then.... a spider crawls out of a hole at the bottom of the box, up the side, and around the front of the box! A spider! And it's not the teensy kind, either.

I'm watching this thinking I should tell him I should really tell him Oh yes I need to tell him. 

But instead I do nothing. And for this, I am ashamed.

Really I did nothing about this because I'm a spider-chicken. (Just to clarify, that's someone who is afraid of spiders--not to be confused with a chicken-spider, which is the direct offspring of a chicken and a spider--total opposites.) But it's also a little bit because that box was dirty. And I blamed that man for that box being dirty. And now I feel terrible. Obviously the spider came from our office. I mean, dog hair can survive migration and then several months in a box, but I don't suppose a spider could. But in my mind the dog hair and the spider came from the same place, so they should both go back to where they came from.

And I suppose the spider is now somewhere in the back seat of their car waiting for a hand to bite.

So now I just have to sit here and think about what I've done and hope that I don't hear anything about one of our clients dying of a spider bite. Because it will be my fault. Or at least I will have to wonder for the rest of my life if it was my fault. And then if it truly is, I will have to flee the country. And my husband can't even come with me, because he has exams for the next 2 weeks.

Holy cow. My life is a mass of internal struggles. I think I will eat some mini churros and pray a little and probably plan out the escape route to Mexico (Canada's too cold) that I may or may not have to use and the letter of heartfelt regret that I may or may not have to send.

Also...

This is what I wanted to be eating for lunch today. Texas BBQ sandwich, a ripe summer peach, & a cold DC. But we can't always get what we want, I guess. Good thing too, because if we could, I'd be 500 lbs right now and would many servants to fan my many chins.

Yeah, don't think about it.

over at "ask the duplex"

Hey, guys and gals! 

The ladies of the fabulous style questions blog ASK THE DUPLEX have been kind enough to get one of my questions answered for me! 

Come on over and check it out! I need answers, so I can be oh-sho-shexy!

I do so desperately need help in the sexy department.

Anyways---

We're talking lipstick today. 

And I know how you like to talk about the Lipstick. 

Uh huh!

(These are my for-real roommates from the good ol' days. I had lipstick troubles then, and I have lipstick troubles now...)

And while you're in the duplex, check out their other posts while you're at it. Seriously good stuff. Lots of fashion questions answered and tons of great ideas for outfits, hair, and makeup.

That's seriously what's up.

a how-to and then depressing adult stuff

How to Make a Cheap-O Jewelry Hanger

Why? Because jewelry boxes and sufficiently tall jewelry trees are hard to come by. Meaning they are expensive. So--with our cheapskate powers combined--- let's get creative, shall we?

(1) Purchase a tie rack that looks approximately like that. I got mine at the place of dreams- the Goodwill on Shepard & Westheimer. But you can get yours anywhere.

(2) Ply the obnoxious hooks (if there are any) off the suckers. Preferably you would just buy one that doesn't have obnoxious hooks. But hey, Goodwillers can't be choosers, right?

(3a) This is your first option for hanging. Gather your supplies.

(3b) This is your second option for hanging. Gather your supplies.

(4) Either nail the hooks and hang the rack or screw the rack directly to the wall. Remember to use a wall that people won't bump up against but one that you will have easy access to.

(5) Hang your bangles on the pegs, and admire your handy work.

Hint: When I first began this project, the pegs were a little wobbly and a little collapsible, so I just injected a little superglue into the gaps where the pegs met the wood and let it dry before hanging the rack.

I will most likely spray paint this silver at some point, but that's a project for another day.

In other news. The weekend wasn't long enough. And I heard one of the most depressing things of my life this weekend. Want to hear it? Of course you do. We all love to hear depressing things once in a while. Just like how A Walk to Remember was our favorite movie at one point, even if it was only while we were actually watching it. But you know you liked it. Holy distracted, Batman! 

The most depressing thing. I was complaining about not having any time to spend with the hubsinator this weekend. But the hearer of my complaint said to me, "We're all adults now, so we don't need to be together all of the time."

Well, that was just so much the saddest thing I'd ever heard, because I do sometimes feel like need to be with the man-spouse (or with someone who loves me, anyways) all the time. And I realized that not how normal people feel. Which means, not only am I not normal, but if I want to get anywhere and if I don't want my little heart to be constantly disheartened, then I need to conform to this norm. ASAP.

And this is sad, right? Well. I certainly think so.

So I asked myself, Self, I'm not so sure I want to be normal in this way-- are you?

And that dumb self was all like Yes, it's necessary. You must grow up now.

That Self... who needs her anyways, right?

But she's so right. Gosh. Dang. It. She's right, and I'm wrong. And I hate being wrong. But I'm a pleaser, so I quick-quick went about the growing up and being normal process this weekend. And do you know what? It may just be alright after all. I stayed so busy this weekend that I couldn't even think about how sad it was that I didn't see my husband hardly at all. I got to help people. And that felt good. I parked cars with a bunch of men, and I laughed at all their jokes and lifted heavy objects with the best of 'em. And I went to parties, and had woman-dates, and fell in love with Gladys Knight--that little woman with a huge heart--,and attended a conference that was very valuable to my soul. Also I got stung by a bee and didn't even cry. Nobigdeal. I know that has nothing to do with anything, but really it kinda does.

I always wanted to be an adult because it represented freedom. But first it's really just more responsibility allofasudden. And that could heap a whole lotta weight on my little adult shoulders. But you know what-- maybe it's learning how to handle those responsibilities that gives us freedom. And makes us happy. Maybe the more responsibilities you learn to handle, the happier you are.

Or maybe not. Maybe being an adult just kinda sucks. But we have to get used to it, then learn to enjoy it, then learn to love it. So maybe it's just about love.

But I guess it always kind of is, isn't it?

friday i'm in love

Summer has been long. And it's been hot. I've found myself feeling rather oppressed on more than one occasion. I know that's silly, but I really wanted to go outside and run around and be free. But when I would try I would melt and my hair would shrivel up and my mind would get all foggy with the humidity.

I really have not known quite what to do with myself since May.

"What'll we do with ourselves this afternoon," cried Daisy, "and the day after that, and the next thirty years?"
"Don't be morbid," Jordan said. "Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." -Gatsby, Fitzgerald (Don't make fun. I'm re-reading it for book club, of course.)

This morning I woke up, went outside, and Fall was here. If I had walked a mile from the apartment to the car, it wouldn't have been long enough to drink in all the loveliness of Fall this morning. She had pulled out all the tricks to make me fall in love with her all over again. There was a breeze through the trees. There was a rustling of leaves. The air felt crisp--it's usual dampness hiding out to make room for Fall's debut. The clacking of my boots on the pavement reminded me of the crunching of the leaves I use to rake in our big back yard in New Jersey. And I could see all the enchanted Falls of my past. I could smell the air on those first days of Fall in Utah Valley. Fall always smells of newly formed ideas, and it sounds like the whispered promises of adventure.

And what do those whispers say?

They say picnics in the park. They say morning runs in the cool air. They say hot cocoa and apple cider and whipped cream on top of fat pumpkin pies. They say maroon is once again the new hot pink and that I can pull out the pea coats and knee-high boots and eventually my fuzzy hats. They say long walks around the university-- holding hands. They say pumpkins. The orangest, plumpest pumpkins in the land. Ripe for the carving of their faces and the scooping of their guts and the baking of their seeds. But in a pleasant way, ya know?


But mostly they say that the world is falling in love with itself all over again.

Happy first day of Fall, friends!

crushing on charlie

Last night, the Mister and I were watching Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. It stars Shia LaBeouf and Michael Douglas (who is the bad guy--of course), and I just so happen to always get him confused with Martin Sheen. Who inevitably reminds me of his son, Charlie. So, last night as I am watching, I begin to remark, "Can't you just see Charlie in his dad?" But I stopped midway through the question, realizing the error of my ways, and pretended like I wasn't just thinking about Charlie Sheen and how great he made a nasty goatee & mullet look in the 90's version of The Three Musketeers.

10 minutes later. I'm in the kitchen pouring some milk when Husband says, "Guess who's also in this movie?" I look at the screen. There's Michael Douglas and the back of some other guy's head. Well, I'd know the back of that head anywhere. 

"Hey! Charlie Sheen!"

Awkward silence. 

Husband: "That's creepy."

Me: "Well, his head has been all over the news for months. Plus, I've had a crush on him since I was 6 and saw him in Heidi. 

Another awkward silence.

Me: "Don't worry. I don't have a crush on him anymore."

Husband: "Wasn't worried."

Sure.

(It's true, though. He's not really the jealous sort-- much to my dismay when I am trying to make him jealous with talk of my past Hollywood crushes. Poor, poor me.)

In other news, I was reading a post yesterday on this cute blog about seeing Shia LaBeouf in a London double-decker bus and missing the opportunity to talk to him due to shyness. The comment was made the Shia is shorter than you'd think he'd be. So last night as I watched Shia parade around the screen in tailored suits & perfectly gelled hair, I laughed a little bit at how incredibly tall they made him look. And I wondered during the elevator shot where he towered over the woman next to him if they just purposely pick a teensy-weensy woman to stand there or if they put Shia on a crate or something-- like that one time when I saw Dashboard Confessional for the first time and couldn't stop laughing because Chris Carrabba was standing on a crate for tallness purposes.

Good times, right?

sit down and keep still

"Don't you know that four-fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" -Calvin Coolidge

This quote popped up on my Facebook feed today. It is simply marvelous, don't you think? See, some people are born knowing this. I am not one of those some people. I am part of the group I would like to call "tightrope talkers." This group feels the need to talk incessantly until problems are solved. Where some people would close their eyes, take a deep breath, and hurry across the proverbial tightrope, we try to talk it into the ground for fear of falling.Beating the dead horse? Yeah, that expression was created out of exasperation with a tightrope talker like myself.

The hope, of course, is that with increased verbage comes increased understanding. Well, that's generally not the case. Good communication isn't simply about knowing what to say; it's just as importantly knowing when to shut up. That's the hard part. Talking is easy. Talking fast is even easier. Shutting my mouth-- now that's a trick you can't learn in the circus. (Well, to be fair, maybe you can... Any circus people out there care to chime in?)

I think sometimes, once I've talked myself in a circle and someone else's ear off, how much I wish I could turn back the clock and just let it be. Like that Beatles song, minus the speaking words of wisdom part. Because that's precisely the problem. When your a tightrope talker like me, generally everything that comes out of the mouth with the intent of bringing a little wisdom to a situation just ends up being redundant or ridiculous or rhinoceros (just seeing if you're still paying attention).

Calmate, a friend much wiser than me use to tell me. Just calm yourself. Things look a little clearer with a little time to close your eyes, catch your breath, and walk that rope how it is. The rope can only get thinner with worry and wear, so just let that rope be that rope. Take it in stride. Then when you have reached the other side, "sit down and keep still."

I hope someday I will get this down. For the sake of time and sanity and really thin tightropes.Ya know?

How do you keep calm in difficult situations?

dirty little secrets

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I didn't wash my hair for six days. No biggy.

Here's the thing: I have never seen how it is humanly possible not to wash one's hair on the daily. Mine is thin, blonde, and oily, so you can see EVERYTHING. I have tried shampoos for oily hair, no conditioner, conditioner only on the ends, rinsing but not shampooing, not running my fingers through my hair, and numerous bottles of dry shampoo. But my max has always been 2 days.

Wanna know the secrets I learned from my sneaky-sneaky weak of hair experimentation?

(1) Whether you are using a curler or straightener, on day 1 spend enough time on your hair to make it look really good. This way you will have a good base to start your wash-free stretch with. I decided to curl my hair one small strand at a time with a 1/2" barrel iron. I sprayed the whole thing with strong-hold hairspray and let it dry. Then I brushed it out of nice, voluminous curls. I retouched them every day, but never had to spend a lot of time on it after that first day.

(2) Baby powder is not just for baby bottoms. It's also great for absorbing oil from your scalp. And it's way cheaper and lasts way longer than regular dry shampoo. Be careful to apply sparingly. You don't want white roots!

(3) It's alright to be a tease, just this once. Tease that hair, for real! When your hair starts to look weighed down by the oil, powder, and weather, teasing it at the roots with a comb or pick is an easy way to get some volume and hide what you haven't washed away. Just spray close to the inside roots of the section of hair you'd like to voluminize, and tease away. Then smooth the top for a polished look. Just be gentle when you brush it out at night. Use a soft bristle brush to detangle that bump.

(4) Yeah, don't run your hands through your hair. Carry a brush with you instead. Brushing through the hair also adds a little bounce without adding oil and dirt from your hands.

(5) Be creative. The pictures above were predominately taken at night after I had brushed my hair out in preparation for the beauty sleep. In the daytime it was braided on the side, half-up-half-down, put in a bun... you name it. If the bangs are giving you a hard time one day, french braid them or tease them and pull them back. If the crown of your head is looking particularly oily, put a little more baby powder in, tease it up to your heart's content, and cinch it up in a little bump with some bobby pins. 

Easy peezey lemon squeezey.

I must admit, as wonderful as it is to not have to spend so much time on my hair every morning, it still feels so good to finally wash my hair again!